Saturday, June 11, 2005

What a villain Needs

Got a villain or antagonist on your shopping list? Just don't know what to get them for the holidays? Find that the evildoers on your list are really hard to shop and difficult to please. Here are a few shopping tips for your bad guys this X-mas.

A Reputation:

Some bad guys seem to be able to operate in a vacuum without anybody really knowing who they are or what they want, but the truly distinguished malefactor needs that all important reputation that strikes terror into the hearts of all god-fearing folk. Granted, the reputation of world's greatest assassin or most abjectly evil sentient being in the universe are hard to come by and require a bit of maintenance every day. But the very real fact is that a Villain with no reputation does not cause a crowd to part when he enters a bar. Supermodels do not fling themselves at the feet of greyfaced government bureaucrats but let Chow Yun Fat walk into a disco to kill some guy and the women come out of the woodwork. Which kind of Villain would YOU rather be?


Let me tell you... Plots for Global Domination do not come cheap. You could easily go through some major bucks just covering the research on the Hypno-death ray much less actually build the fucking thing. Stock and bonds are always good stocking stuffers, as are shell corporations and holding companies. Get them a bank account in the Grand Caymans and watch their pinched little faces light up. A Fortune 500 company is always nice but government grants don't require results or shareholder meetings. A perennial favorite is stolen diamonds or diverted Nazi gold. But whatever you do, try to keep in mind that a miscreant has a lot of overhead.


You can never have too many goons. Buy them cheaper by the dozen. Goons vary in quality from ex-green berets to ninjas all the way down to the type of Goon available only in Gotham City. Goons are literally invaluable for such things as guard duty,intimidating the locals, picking up the dry cleaning and other sundry tasks. Why, without Goons, the good guys could just call the cops on the bad guys and have done with it.


Assassins, computer jockeys,ninja clans,wetwork operatives,cut-throats,and privateers. Goons are sometimes not enough. Sure they're useful to have around but when the good guys come knocking it's good to have a few special surprises waiting for them.

The Right Hand Man:

This is your homeboy.This is the guy who makes sure that all of the day-to-day dirty work gets done.(and dirt cheap I might add.) this is also the guy who has to end up covering your retreat so better make him a tough boy. In all cases, this Uber-Goon should be played by Sho Kosugi or Bolo Yeung. Dolph Lundgren might be a good choice too. The Right Hand Man is indispensable to the bad guy. Nothing would ever get done without him. And often the Right Hand Man is the only thing keeping the rank and file goons alive when the Boss gets testy.


It's not enough to just be EVIL anymore. Back in the old days all you had to do was be evil and the intrepid adventurers would line up at you door (or cave) and proceed to attack you. In these enlightened times you actually have to DO something to incur the enmity of the Forces of Good. You have to ask yourself has your bad guy lost his direction? Did he ever have one to begin with? What does your bad guy want and who is he willing to crush to get it? Once you can answer these questions the beginnings of plans will coalesce and your bad guy will be a lot happier and much busier.

A Good Bad Girl:

Is your Antagonist lonely? Here are some of the most asked for qualities directly from the database of Miscreant Match (the Villain Computer dating service.)

1) The ability to flex,seethe, and look seductive in leather.

2) Able to be dominant AND submissive

3) Able to terrify the household goons.("Do your job or I'll give you to the Mistress!")

4) Likes costumes and props ( schoolgirl uniform,nuns habit, Cheerleader outfit, etc...)

5) Mastery of the bullwhip and riding crop absolutely necessary

6) Disguise ability useful

7) Absolutely no interest in good looking good guys!

8) The ability to keep her mouth shut.


Now I'm not talking about average,garden variety, Death Ray or the hypnotic wave generating satellite that forces people to buy Windows machines. I'm talking about serious experimental tech here, like the Ultravex 9000 Automated Nun Launcher...That stuff just don't grow on trees. Your Adversary needs research and development, they gotta have BF guns! They gotta have hidden installations with deathtraps n' stuff! They gotta have goons with gee-whizzy gadgetry and pulse rifles in the 40 megawatt range!

A Diversion:

Now most of the criminals and offenders that I know, love a good diversion,which enables them to go about their business without undue molestation. Power outages, induced seismic events, vicious betrayals,and bubonic plague can be a wonderful way to keep the heroes busy while plans unfold with clockwork precision. Evildoers who don't have a diversion planned are usually looked upon by others as amateurs.

Escape Plans:

No person in the scoundrel's organization is more important than a really good travel agent. Ideally, if a plan does have to go south, the best way to recuperate is in Aruba with rum drinks and models while the heroes try to piece together the shards of their broken lives. This is another good reason for criminals to have large staffs because each dork working for you is a potential bullet shield.

BTW, if you are going to get one escape plan. Get two in case your heroes have doped out that you always make a break for the Big Boy shaped rocketship.


A good place to temporarily hold up is always a plus. An apartment with a fridge and T.V. cash, guns, and medical supplies can be the best kind of investment in the future. The best part is that it rarely has to be anything fancy and you could have 5 or 6 of them.

Connections on the Outside:

The best kind of insurance for when you do go to Prison/Devil's island/the Phantom Zone. Connections on the Outside can run your criminal empire,plan your escape,or exact your vengeance while you sit pretty with the perfect alibi. Know a criminal who's got a bad case of the Statesboro blues? Get him connected on the outside and you have a friend for life... Or at least until he betrays you.

a Warehouse:

It's always a good idea to have a warehouse with a bland sounding name to stow your super criminal stuff in and meet at when you don't want to actually meet someone at your Lair. Warehouses can make a good makeshift bolthole in a pinch and can house lab equipment when it's not in use.


The best laid plans of mice and men aft gang aglay and so it is with the machinations of super criminals and other evildoers but where would evil be if it weren't for the double agent, the car wired to explode just in case and a few other little twists and fillips. It's almost possible to hear the churn of stomach acid when the bad guy smiles and says " As it happens I expected you to show up so...."

Remember, a hero is only as good as the villain who tests him. There is a vast gulf of difference between Darth Vader and Wile E. Coyote.

Sono Finito.


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