ASSHOLE! (Or: How to win enemies and influence nobody)

A reasonable man adapts to his surrounding. An unreasonable man demands that his surrounding adapt to him. Therefore, all progress in the world is caused by unreasonable men.

-George Bernard Shaw

It has been noted by some, that on occasion, I can be...Oh how to put this delicately...A monstrous prick.

I cannot, in good conscience, refute or deny these allegations. I am guilty of these charges and many more besides. I do have an explanation though. Will I have the opportunity to explain before being executed?

Well that's mighty charitable of you.

I can begin to appreciate the Devil these days. See, a lot of gamers seem to want to paint me and most other Game masters and Storytellers as some kind of Adversary...Some sort of malign deity put on this earth specifically to torment them and ruin their lives. Personally I got better things to do. I don't go home after a hard days work and sit in my heated kidney shaped pool,sipping martinis and thinking about all the ways I'm gonna keep my gamers down.

See, I have a vision.

I want to create a memorable game. I want you to have fun playing it. And I want to have fun running it. I want to learn from it. And I want you to learn from it. I want there to be actual teamwork and I want it in and out of the game. I want my games to be the kind of games that I and my players are proud to be in and that I am proud to write about. I want to experiment with the art of gaming and maybe further it somehow. I want us all to step into legend.

And I will not accept anything less!

So if you whine a pule at me about not accepting your dopey choice of character type or you carp at me about not giving you an assload of magickal tchotchkes, or you bring a character that's so 2-dimensional that I could slice bread with it...Or worse no character at all. Then, Yes. I might be a little tetchy!

If you feel the need to deliberately monkeywrench my plotline, If you do spectacularly stupid things and expect me to save your nappy ass every time, if you act like a creep to your fellow gamers out of character, Expect the wrath of god.

Are you cheating? Fudging the dice or the numbers? They use to shoot cheaters in the days of the old west.

Do you really think that arguing with me in the middle of combat is really a good idea? Do you really believe that I am that ethically spotless? Act as if I'm unfair and you might just find out how unbe-fucking-lieveably unfair I can be.

I am not here for you to test yourself against. I can understand where that comes from though. Back in the old days, Dungeon crawling was a lot like negotiating a mental obstacle course. The Dungeon Master was encouraged to take on the role of vicious deity/drill instructor. So it's kind of understandable. Back in those days it was unthinkable to take a some sort of hit for the sake of the story. Story? What's that? This is just some silly adventure we're doing. Heck it started in that pub we normally hang out in.

That's not my job anymore. My job is to tell a story. Your job is to live it. That requires a different set of priorities from what you might be used to but I'm sure you can handle it. So put away that Drow Ranger of yours and come jump into the real world with me.

You also have to understand that when I tell you "NO" that I may have my reasons and that it's not to be taken as some sort of personal attack. You might not be able to see it, but your Silver fang/Malkavian Abomination might not really fit into the gritty chronicle I have in mind. Especially if he like to dress up in a black strapless evening dress or a clown suit.

Here's another thing that I won't tolerate: I make the decisions as to who stays and who goes. My attitude is that bad players can get better if they work at it. If they are willing then I'll work with them. I don't want to drive away good players and I don't want to drive away people who are capable of being good players.

Do I seem a little autocratic? Fine. You run the game.

I want to spoil you. I want you to enjoy this game so much that other GM's seem pale comparisons. But I can't do that unless you work WITH me instead of AGAINST me.

I am not your adversary. Most of the time you are your own worst enemy.

Wake up. rise up, and follow me toward the light.

Sono Finito